sake and onnanoko are a very imoportant part of a lesbian diet. they have proven digestive qualities and make her very happy indeed which is good for enrichment. a Lesbain must be happiest when mashing her little onnanoko ningyou together after drinking 3 beers and watching bad anime from 2002.
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fuck it posting rambles
Im thinking about that flip flapper anime box set I bought for some ludicrous quantity in march 2019. It came with a book and a pretty case and these gorgeous art cards and a blu ray in funny hd and I dropped it and chipped off the top corner so now I can’t sell it even if I wanted to. That year my parents got me flip flappers posters and I was too embarrassed to put half to them up because the were too reissue so I threw them away and I still feel a little bit guilty about it. I wonder if any landfill wrker saw those lovingly rendered depictions of scantily clad chyuugakusei pulling poses and doing epic hen shins. Maybe I was the last person to ever see them. Maybe I buried them just like that and I’ll never ever get them back and everyone’s probably forgotten about them anyway because I was the only one who got them and all I said was a sheepish admission that my favourite anime was kinda for perverts. But I had already told everyone I was transgender already even the only two girls who were nice to me and I thought they were gay and had big crushes on if I’m being completely brutally honest. I told them earlier than anyone else except for the nice mask at rainbow youth who sat with me even though all I did was stare at my shoes as I mumbled through thoughts id already expressed much more adequately on reddit or something months earlier but saying them out loud made it read like I was breaking the lock. On the walk home through Auckland I remember the light shining through the green trees on that hill by Karangahape road and I’ve remembered and forgotten the street name and I listened to rel by the oral cigarettes and felt as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. on the boat I texted my friend over discord to tell her that maybe I wasn’t a boy and I really wasn’t but I was too indecisive to pick a new name or antything so I became more of a pet but it was our secret that we shared for those fragile weeks andim still grateful for them now. I wonder if those weeks were maybe the most important in my whole life leading up to that point. I wonder if she had laughed at me (I knew she wouldn’. There was a reason I told her first) or had warned me maybe I don’t have average b cups and a beautiful girlfriend and I wanted to hold that feeling in my hands like water. I wrote down a list of everything I was feeling and annotated it with a bit from dojos bizarre adventure and its still in a wallet or bag or something even though its stayed folded for five years because no matter how far I move it feels like such a shame to throw out such a crystallisation of my adolescent angst. Welcome to ***** at her chuuniest. Even thinking the name in relation to me feels wrong now, receding into memory like it had never been so at all except according to inland revenue or people who haven’t seen me for a while or can’t be bothered to try. I am her but she is not me and that was really important because I think I stopped being her on that sunny October day in 2019 when the world felt young and eggshell bright. I told another friend a few weeks later (also gay). I remember texting her over pathologic videos and tennis and.frozen berries as November bled dry and I kept doing my drama classes and dressing like a girl by wearing blue socks with flamingos on them that I couldn’t keep my eyes off. they were just from H&M. I remember hurting her with a lie I told that she was the first because somehow sharing that I had already shared myself felt like a betrayal of three weeks of eternity when you’re 13 almost 14 I guess. I don’t know why I said it and looking back it makes me cringe so much I struggle to put it into this piece even though you’re the only one who is ever going to read this. I’m not trying to proofread too hard if you can’t tell. Sorry about that. And I’m sorry for lying. The blu ray also came with a bookmark I forgot to mention. It’s very cute and I like the illustration of corona and paprika (yeah whatever) a lot but I feel like.a pervert whenever I take it out at work but this is a previously established pervert anime anyways so its ok I think. Maybe it didn’t turn me transgender. I think I was turned transgender by my headache which was caused by me being transgender if u get what I mean. The shitty u turns of life get u like that haha. I just finished reading Norwegian wood and I pulled out my bookmark and I’ve carried that thing around so much the edges are all soft and easy to hold even though I’ve only just finished it but honestly I think hey should make more soft books because it is good and comfy more than you would think and perfectly readable as well of course. The book mark has gone all soft as well which might be my oestrogenated fingerprints changing her but maybe its also just the proximity to my other soft books so maybe is should put therm all together in the fruit bowl to properly ripen or maybe I get a damp paper towel and go about it the manual way. Maybe I just want to touch a book and bed the pages this way and that and driop it and snag the dust jacket and never ever ever sell it because I don’t want to even if some other arty bitch would drop a crisp 50 for a realistically distressed copy of murakamis gossamer piece de resistance read by a real life dropkick uni student. Reading it I was mainly angry he could afford drinking that much and going to cafes and eating outside all the time today I had a chai latte and a muffin at Fenice and it was 22 dollar sa dn I only tipped five percent and I hope the people I’m with don’t think that’s too weird or unethical
KILL ALL GAMERS on a family holiday when i was 17, i was swallowed whole by a building. it was one of the most intimate and alienating things i've ever experienced. Freshly recovered from an illtimed cold and dying to make the most of a day apart, i spent a rain speckled afternoon ambling in the CBD of oosaka. exiting the train station, i was confronted with a concert for a struggling boy band, whose sickly sweet lyrics i'd giggle about with my tenuous nihongo. i skipped and wandered, prancing about like the happiest tranny in the world. i found an artificial creek bed, a small bamboo forest, a trio of kindergarten-bright primary-coloured sculptures, and an appreciation for the rule of 3s. in the shadow of this great spire the rain spat and the boys crooned and i danced. the Umeda Sky Building is a wonder of architecture because i Wonder how and why they built it. it's so beautiful it makes me want to cry. a sparkling, towering, treasure trove for just me and a city. at the top was an art exhibition. i awkwardly figured out how to pay, dragging fingertips along the slightly sticky tactile base of the money tray. inside was a swirl of red and yellow and orange. a glowing, humming sun. it was a lover's embrace, a fumblingly earnest flirtation reciprocated in full. i will probably never encounter this buoyant weightless dandelion dust lilting eddy again. not in the same pitch or shape. i am strummed in a different key these days. but, 1000xRESIST is a game about memory, among other things. it is a game about spaces and when we inhabit them. it also contains one of the key pieces of evidence for the case to prosecute Gamers for the death penalty. the Orchard, the main "hub" area of the game, is one of its most divisive elements. for full disclosure, i played in January of 2025; after the map had been added, but the map is secondary here. the Orchard is a fascinating microcosm of the call and response of games as a medium. it is mazelike and sometimes unintuitive, and can take a little while to get around. it works on its own logic, and even has a distinct emotional arc throughout the game. the Orchard, it must be said, is also incredibly beautiful. with the affordances of its setting, it approaches hyperarchitecture. thoroughly space age to - ??? age. glass, metal, water running through craggy rocks. beneath, tunnels trace lines transposed against the soaring balconies. there are things here that don't make "sense". there are sculptures and shrines and glades crisscrossed with walkways that spit you out in unexpected places. you might walk around the circular ground floor trying to ascertain which route takes you up or in or down in the right arc. you might pick the wrong direction to run to Fixer or Healer or Knower or the bar or Principal and end up running in circles. you might take inefficient lines, or miss an NPC to talk to the first time around. you can see where your objective and the characters are on a cute little bit of hud at the top of the screen. 3 lines: each dot a sister or shell (relatively speaking) above you, on the same level as you, or below you! in one chapter, you might catch a glimpse of an NPC standing on the glass ceiling (or one part of it), and spend minutes running around to see if you can reach her. you can't. but i still think about her, and think about how i tried to reach her. how i combed every shapen sister cradle centimetre just to make sure i hadn’t missed something this swallowing Orchard is, of course, tailor made for me. the devs even cite the Umeda Sky Building as one of its key architectural inspirations! i win!!!!!!! it was not, apparently, made for Gamers. a Gamer sees an objective as something to be accomplished in a straight line. this is not an internally prompted response - games condition us to this thinking. not just how to beat the level, but how to beat it quickly and optimally. how to do less, win more. a modern game is a 3d space with an objective marker. a game is a series of imperatives. to not heed the call, not engage with it earnestly, is a dereliction of the medium. the princess must be saved *now*! are you going to mince about while the world is under threat? sub-optimally efficient play - dying, considering, exploring, is disincentivised by the contours of the medium when there are almost always more important things to be done. even in something as open-ended as minecraft, there is still speedrunning and farming and pvp and minigames and all the rest. that is not to say that this is an inherently lesser way of playing or making games. but it is just one way, and it conditions a response in the audience who grow to expect the same ways of thinking being expected of them. outside of the indie space, there isn't much in the way of games that challenge this. the people who like those games are the ones making and buying new games, because that is what games are. and, hey. i've beaten celeste, and armored core 6, and elden ring, and that one platformer my friend made. i'm a Gamer too! i believe it is worth it, however, to change perspective a little bit. the mainly-cited frustration with the game 1000xRESIST is navigating the Orchard. but why is it frustrating? the Orchard is gorgeous, with an equally stunning soundscape to go along with it. it is full of nooks and crannies and people and beauty. on a basic level, the Orchard is an almost objectively lovely place to exist in. but 1000xRESIST is a Game. it is marketed on Steam and the Nintendo eShop. it has objective markers and achievements. when 1000xRESIST tells you to do something - talk to the shapen sisters, for example, the player may grow annoyed if they are not able to immediately do this due to a lack of navigability. the game might be wasting your time. you might feel inadequate. why can't you do something so simple? why does this inadequacy have to supplant the pleasure of existing in the space? 1000xRESIST is, if i have not made it clear, an incredible game. it is a tour de force, a magnum opus. it is an artistic product of such furious meaning and pathos it almost defies explanation. how did they do it? why did they do it? it made me cry. and one of my favourite memories is waking up and exploring the Orchard as Watcher. just walking and running and talking and listening. the happiest tranny in the world. i found the horse in the train station, i watched Healer do ~experiments~, i listened to the music, climbed the stairs and thought about the rule of 3s some more. every moment in the Orchard, a space made just for me, was a joy. the objectives are just transposed on the space by the developers - keep moving in the right direction, don't get too lost. but does every game have to be about following straight lines? the Orchard says otherwise.